Version 1 1/2 Paperback version
Dear All,
Paperback edition of Version 1 1/2 (Version One and a Half) is now available on notionpress.com. eBook edition is already available on Amazon Kindle.
Use the links below to order online.
Premise:
I was feeling impatient and lost off late, couldn’t concentrate on my work either. I would get strange thoughts, I started having memory issues I would often forget things and was not able to sleep properly, started staying aloof off.
“Guess my commitment issue is back” was my first thought.
I always had a problem committing to things for a long time. I would easily get bored of doing the same thing again and again and I would just quit.
I got bored of marketing so moved to call centres. I got bored of call centres so moved into training. I got bored of soft skills and behavioural skills training so moved into health and safety training. I had been with the same organization for 7 years so yes may be the same issue was back.
So, if this was the cause then I had to sort things out because changing jobs, every time I got bored, to find new avenues was not a feasible answer, especially now that I was married. This had to stop somewhere otherwise this list would keep getting longer.
I felt as if I was constantly running away from things. So I looked outside and inside to find a solution for my problem. But I was not sure of the exact problem yet. It could also be the “I don’t want to do a job anymore, I want to start something of my own” syndrome, was my second thought. But the truth being, I was not sure if it was to do with my personal life or professional life or was I just going nuts (a few who know me closely might choose this option).
Anyways here I was all confused when someone suggested that I should just ignore these feelings and thoughts and I should just get busy with my work and life.
The first step of solving a problem is acknowledging that you have one. I mean how can you solve a problem if you keep denying you have one? I have heard countless speakers talk about not thinking about your problems and concentrate on positive things that make you happy. Well, I was doing that, denying that is, for a long time and it sort of compounded the issue. It’s the way we have been raised, mistakes are bad and the best way to deal with a problem is to ignore it.
Well, guess what? Ignoring for a long time didn’t work for me.
So, I asked myself again and again why I was getting so impatient, why were these thoughts coming to my mind? Though I still had a long way to go in life, I often felt lost these days.
It all started on my 35th birthday. This idea got into my head that I had not yet figured out what I wanted from my life. So even though I had a successful career I was feeling that I had not achieved anything yet. So, essentially I was having all the signs of a mid-life crisis (too soon you might say because as per Wikipedia Mid-life crisis happens during the age of 45-64).
Though I was not sure about my problem yet, my reaction was “Yippee ki-yay...” Why this excitement you may ask?
Well, I was told that people reinvented themselves after a mid-life crisis and they came out stronger, better and well prepared for the life ahead (or the life left ahead). Besides, I needed something to cheer me up hence the positive reaction.
Somebody suggested that I should go through a ‘Past Life Regression’ because the problems of present life lie in the past. Others suggested I should attend some motivational session while the smart one’s suggested I should actually consult a psychologist or a counsellor.
Not to sound rude or disrespectful to everyone mentioned above but the pig-headed that I am I sort of have this “been there done that” and “I know it all” attitude. This attitude does not permit me to seek anyone’s help. I always called it Dr. Dangi’s prognosis...(I love it when my friend’s called me Dr. Dangi it reminded me of my favourite villain Dr. Dang from a Hindi movie).
There are way too many people out there who, for a good amount of money, will tell you that your life is not perfect and that they can show you the way to make it perfect. Guess what? I already knew that it was not perfect and ‘Dr. Dangi’s prognosis’ was, sort of, my own way of ‘Self-analysis’ and my way of taking responsibility for my life and the mistakes that I have made along the way. I didn’t need anyone else to show me the mirror, so to speak and I am the only one who can undo my own mistakes.
To not to take responsibility for our own mistakes and problems is an innate human tendency. Instead we tend to blame external factors and others for them. We are very quick to take responsibility for our success and that of others around us. Taking responsibility for our mistakes and problems is very important because that’s where the real ‘Eureka moments’ come from. Blaming others only hurts us more and no one else.
So to begin with I started reading. Manpreet suggested that I should read at night which might at least help me to get some sleep. I started doing this at night and in the metro too, on way to the office.
I was writing simultaneously. I had always had this idea that writing helps relieve stress. I have shared this in almost all my trainings but hadn’t done this myself in a long time, though I used to write earlier. Part of this piece, especially the games part, was written about 5 years ago.
The idea struck me when Chetan (a close friend) mentioned that writing for him was liberating and fact that he was able to write his thoughts made him feel good. He had written a book titled ‘Flying Colours’.
So finally, I decided to give it a shot 11 months ago (I figured that at least I could do this without being told what I should do by someone else).
I started writing my thoughts as a way of self-analyzing my problem.
When I started writing I had no idea about the subject or the objective, heck I did not have the wildest thought that whatever I would write will eventually take the shape of a book.
The idea of a book came much later when I realized that I had actually written more than 100 pages worth of childhood memories. The narrative is from my point of view and the learning’s after each chapter are my personal ‘assertions’.
“Everyone has a book inside them it’s just a matter of getting it out” S. P. Foster.
To start with I was not sure as to what to write. I started writing about varied things; my life so far, my financial situation, family, places, adventure, music, politics today etc. It was all just random stuff and as I was writing I could feel the same emotions running through me day in and day out and hence my physiology was changing as per whatever I was writing; good or bad.
Everybody around could see the changes in me, Rinku, Lily, my friends, office colleagues and especially Manpreet, my wife. She started noticing these strange mood swings.
If I would be writing about a good memory, my mood would be good but if I would be writing about something bad or an angry memory or topic, concurrently, my mood and behaviour would be nasty.
So, here I was with these conflicting emotions, lost on one side and excited on the other side (seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel) is when I started writing about my life in 80’s, the life of an ordinary Indian kid, actually about the life of a now, lost Indian.
I figured that writing about childhood memories, being unbiased and pure, might bring about positive emotions and constructive changes in me. I am not expecting to undo all the wrongs in my life and solve my problems at once just by writing this piece but I do hope that it shows me the way to at least START somewhere. A ray of hope from my own Childhood is what I am seeking by writing this piece. I don’t intend to be a preacher but if whatever I write helps even one person, other than me, then my purpose of publishing this piece is achieved.
Anyways, I was just writing my thoughts down and what you read now is, me retracing my steps back. Some of the initial self-realizations about what I do for a living were:
I motivated others but couldn’t seem to motivate self...
I trained people on how to relieve stress but couldn’t do the same for me...
I trained people on how to keep Personal and Professional life separate but couldn’t do the same for me (Clearly the stress was impacting my professional life...)
“So was I a bad trainer? Is that why I was feeling lost?”
“Was it time to change my profession?” These questions were echoing my mind continuously and while I was trying to find ways to not ‘quit’ what I was doing, things actually seemed to be taking a downward spiral. I decided to check my own feedback again and also discussed it with a couple of participants but nothing was amiss there. Feedback seemed ok and the participants were also happy.
So if this was one of the criteria to validate a trainer’s performance then I was fairing good. Then what was wrong?
Something else was missing. Over the time, while I was writing, the biggest and the most critical revelation was; “preaching was easy but applying the same thing in your own life, during pressing times, was difficult”.
I realized that in the midst of being a trainer and training people on what to do and how to do, I forgot that I might need to use my own learning’s some day.
It was difficult to think logical in difficult times when you are lost or afraid. In my endeavour to make a difference to my trainee’s life and show them how to ‘live life and work safely’, I forgot to ‘live life’ myself. While struggling to earn money and make life better, I sort of forgot about life altogether.
However, I have started seeing things a lot clearer while writing and hoped to come out humbler, not only as a trainer but also as a human being.
This book essentially chronicles the life of an ordinary Indian kid, and my observations from my own childhood, in a small town through the fun-filled 80’s (when TV set was connected to an Antenna or an Aerial to receive a single channel called Doordarshan) so sibling fights over who gets to watch which channel did not exist then. We had more pressing issues like who gets to open the TV shutter first (that’s right TV sets those days had their very own protective shutter, as if the makers were afraid that people might break TV sets too often) or who gets to stand up front on dad’s ‘Lambretta Scooter’ or who gets to give a coin to the guy with oil-filled vessel every Saturday. As per the tradition Saturday is meant for ‘Shani Dev’ (a Hindu god) and guys with vessels filled with mustard oil roam around collecting coins from people. It is considered auspicious to donate on this day.
That was the time when colourful names like; Manu, Shanu, Shitta, Ladu, still existed.
Mom always said that I had a photographic memory, well almost photographic, when it came to my childhood memories. Somehow I could remember what she couldn’t and at times I even surprised Lily and Rinku with events and stories from childhood which even they couldn’t recall.
I hope that writing about my childhood will help me a great deal in my present life, work and everything else. Hopefully this will help me retrace my steps back and figure out what will be the next big step in my life and in the process, hopefully, create the next version of me and my life, ‘Version 1 ½’, and rephrase the current and future chapters of my life. I am sort of using my childhood memories as an ‘Anchor’ for ‘Self-Analysis’.
Though I have to admit that I was initially tempted to write an ‘us’ versus ‘them’ monologue in the first few versions but I have tried hard not to do so in the subsequent versions. ‘Us’ being the kid’s from 80’s and ‘them’ being ‘millennial kids’ I think comparing both generations will be like comparing Earth and Moon. Both are different and both have their own strengths and areas of improvements.
Here’s a word of caution: English was never my strength. Somehow I missed the ‘Grammar’ bandwagon a long time ago. Whatever I write is just conversational English which I have learnt over the years.
I have purposely asked the Publisher to not edit the material for the paperback version. The online version on ‘Kindle’ has been published through the ‘Kindle’ publishing tool by me. What began as ‘self-analysis’ is now a collection of my most treasured memories. Here’s hoping that everyone enjoys reading about my life, the Life of a Lost Indian.
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